This post is for those of us who believe in gifts that will really make a positive difference in a life.
This post is also for those of us who have received gifts that take up space but don’t get used. They make us feel weighed down and debt-laden.
We’re unable to get rid of what we’ve been well-intentionally loaded with, because maybe someday they’ll be useful… Or maybe we buckle down and get rid of it! We give the book to charity, sell the unwanted game, toss the ugly scarf. But what if the giver finds out we got rid of it? Oh, the fear of shame! You appreciated the generosity, you really did, but you didn’t really want the thing. You weren’t going to reject the gift on the spot, of course. By now we have procrastination, burden, rejection, fear, shame… Maybe we’re even angry at what we really want not being recognized. All sorts of negative emotions are possible, and the original gratitude for the spirit of the gift gets buried.
Eliminate social pain and fears with a better style of gift-giving and the right kinds of gifts.
My favorite example: Books
One of the greatest ways to understand someone’s view of the world is to read a book he feels strongly about: be it inspirational or eye-opening or just plain excellent in their eyes. One of the greatest things you can do to inspire someone and change her life is to give her a powerful book she finds relevant.
Imagine our culture’s usual method of giving gifts, and a problem that too often results. For most people this dynamic usually doesn’t get this dramatic, but this illustrates the interplay. Say I give my friend The Power of Now
So I give it for a friend’s birthday and that’s that. The friend might initially be interested, but quickly discovers that it’s not for him. He can’t stand the author’s tone, or something… He knows how important that book is for me. But it sits on his bookshelf. And sits. And takes up space. And reminds him whenever he sees it that he barely started it. And wonders what I would think about him for not reading it. Every communication since might hold a wraith-voiced undertone for him: “Did you read the book yet? What did you think? Can we talk about it?” I avoid mentioning it, too, presuming that he’ll check it out sometime, or not wanting to hear the awkwardness of him possibly not liking my gift. Meanwhile he sulks, half-nervously hoping it is never mentioned. Sometimes he doesn’t even feel like talking to me, so he doesn’t have to think about it coming up. If I make the mistake of providing further unwanted or unnecessary gifts or offers or invitations… the friendship might drift apart under his felt weight of debt and expectations. I might wonder what went wrong. I was so generous! Why couldn’t he be more generous, or at least appreciate what was given? Why didn’t he ever talk about it? I guess he just didn’t want to be my friend, I might surmise in disappointment.
To admit I’ve been on both sides of this general dynamic (many times) feels embarrassing. But I’m not the only one. It utterly sucks! To reject a gift utterly sucks, so it’s natural to set up avoidance patterns. This means skirting topics or avoiding time together. Alternatively, it utterly sucks to suspect that your gift was not really appreciated (and may even be burdening the person), so you set up avoidance patterns against unpleasant truth.
One solution is just to be frankly honest and say that you don’t really like the gift, and request to give it back. (Please, Be More Awkward.) Another solution is to ask if that’s the case, and offer to take it back. (Congratulations, That’s Awkward Times Two…) Awkward Times Three? “Sorry, I sold it…” There is a way to prevent this social debacle in the first place.
Loan-gifting
Say this.
“I’m loan-gifting you this book. That means I’m “loaning” you this book… But, if it is valuable for you to keep, then keep it — it’s a gift! If not, just give it back. That way I can pass it on to someone who might want it more, or I’ll keep an extra copy for myself.”
Freely replace “book” with “game” or “scarf” or “DVD” or the like. Loan-gifting applies to any item that can be returned and still retain value for either giving again or enjoying for oneself. Avoid giving gifts like specialty perishable food that might go to waste, or clothing that is too size-specific to take back or pass on — unless you are explicitly certain they are wanted.
Some of the awesome benefits?
- By phrasing it as a “loan” first and gift second, the receiver lacks the burden of carrying something he doesn’t know how to get rid of.
- There is no longer embarrassment with returning or discussing dislike of the item. It’s no longer a rejection of the item, but merely an appreciated borrowing or “trying out” without expectation to like or dislike.
- The gift is more likely to go toward someone who most benefits from it, while still exposing others.
- You’re more likely to give something that you as the giver also enjoy, which is especially smart here:
- if the receiver happens to find it valuable enough to keep, then you gain something in common!
- If not, you get back something you enjoy yourself anyway, or would be proud to pass on to another friend.
- It’s more comfortable to exchange gifts more frequently, on whim any time of the year, since there’s a feedback mechanism (ease of return) making it easier not to be overwhelmed. (I would like to see a more generous society, how about you?)
- If the person decides to return the item, it’s an easy excuse to see the friend again to take it back!
- If the person decides to keep the item, it’s an easy excuse to see the friend again to talk about it!
- Usually we give a gift and hope for the best. Loan-gifting, however, opens communication channels and eliminates a potential source of avoidance patterns.
Loan-gifting does have a similar limitation as borrowing: if it would be exceedingly difficult or costly for the other to return it, then you might want to just present it as a gift. It might be kind to add a note to a gift that they may donate or sell it elsewhere without guilt or shame, and you won’t be offended.
Another limitation possibly worth mentioning is that this approach is different than the norm. Being different momentarily confuses some people or even puts off some traditionalists. If you already have a reputation for being thoughtfully different, then it’s easy: no-one is surprised and nothing skips a beat. =) Lacking that, the more casually and earnestly you present your loan-gift, the more casually and earnestly the receiver appreciates and understands the offer. I’ve generally found it beneficial to elaborate why loan-gifting is so great, beyond just the suggested “script” above. People get it, because almost everyone has experienced the awkwardness of a Burden Gift.
Finally, there are times where it’s more appropriate to just give what people request and need for economic reasons: case in point being a bridal registry.
With these contextual considerations in mind, there is still a whole lot of room for loan-gifting to be of benefit. It would please me so much to see this style become more common. Try it out. (If it’s a valuable practice for you to keep, then keep it — if not, let me pass it on to others, or even give me back some feedback for me to have myself. =D )
Personally, I continue to refine loan-gifting over time… Some people love what I give, and tell me so and keep it. Life courses have been altered this way, thanks the ease of riskier and more frequent gift-giving. Some people read a whole book and return it. Some people take it, barely look at it, and back to my hands it goes. Spirit of the offer is appreciated, with no negative-emotion residue. It’s all great. Everyone learns something. This is generosity in the spirit of freedom.
